Thailand Blog

I have failed to do so

If you are going to pray something for me right now, would you pray for mercy?

I have not been merciful, I have not been gracious. I have been harsh, and hard, and unpleasant. I have been rude. I have been selfish.

I have not loved mercy in every way.

Oh, my soul longs for this,
yet I continue not to come even close!

I haven't loved recieving mercy as I should, because, to be frank, I don't forgive myself. And when I don't forgive my own heart, how can I see that others have? How can I see that Christ has? I have not poured out mercy as I should, and I have been harsh, and not as intentional as I should be. Especially in cases of family.

If you are going to pray, please pray that I would be loving mercy in every way.

My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds

Filled to the brim with anxiety, my breath short, and in the words of sixpence "my body as tense as a cat's when it stalks it's prey," I repeat the truth:

You will provide. You have already. You place great worth on me. You love me deeply. You will provide. You will provide. You will provide. You are good.

My breathing stabilizes, my body begins to relax, because this is truth. I need not be so ridden with worry, brought on by silliness, though rooted like as an invasive weed which will continue to return, until every bit of the root has been removed.

Repeating truth back to Christ -to myself, to those around me and, casting aside what is evil, I press on.

Thailand

I'm sorry, but I'm going to copy and paste some of a letter I've sent to a few of you. I'm lacking in both time, and energy.

Well, let me tell you, the Lord has been providing some incredible blessings! Left, right and center, He's answering prayers like you wouldn't believe! (But believe it! He is good!)

Thursday was particularly filled with tangible evidence of His provision, as you can read in my earlier post, and I have something I must tell you about right away!

My Lord has been breaking my heart for girls ensnared in the sex trade. He and I have been chatting about how I want to do something about it, urgently. I've been writing about it some, and I'm on my way to write some of it out just for you darlings!

So Thursday, when I was filtering through emails, and came across a reminder from my church about a missions trip being planned, my attention was caught. I remember hearing about the prospect of a trip, and being drawn to the idea.
When I read the announcement, I said to the Lord "I highly doubt we'd be doing anything about the sex trade. Churches don't usually go do that, in my experience. But Lord, if it's working with girls in the sex trade, you've got me heart and soul."

Later that night when the church service ended, I hesitantly, but at the same time eagerly grabbed a spot in the room where we would be hearing about the trip. Again, saying to the Lord that I'd give it a chance, if by the off chance, it was about those girls who have captured my heart. I sat on the couch, scanning the informations sheets that had just been passed around, I scanned for the purpose. A huge grin spread across my face.

We are going to Thailand this May for 3 weeks.

We will be working with young women in the sex trade.

Oh man oh man, I can hardly believe the way God has been providing (again, see the earlier post) and so I expect that He'll do the same with what money I need for this trip. I haven't a job (I'm working on that) and I haven't even many personal belongings I can sell for much (though I plan to sell what movies I own - if you want any, please tell me!) So please pray! I've a lot of money to come up with, but my God is huge, and He can do this!

Why so much foam?

All I'm running on is the cappuccino I had right before my interview today, and 3 hours of good old fashioned sleeping.

Little did I know when I ordered the drink, that half the dang thing is foam.

I had a great interview with Andy, about Thailand. We chatted about where I'd want to be, and I immediately told him my heart was with the girls.
Talking about finances was really a delight, which is odd, considering I have no job. But talking about God's beautiful providence, specifically in all relating to this trip, I can't help but smile, and feel no need to worry. The tougher question of struggles I'm dealing with was addressed, and I feel much more at ease now. Getting to explain the situation, and where I'm comfortable, and how I can be comfortable in the places that I'm not, I felt very much at ease. There was a confidence that it is something we can work through, and something we needn't worry about, but should still pay mind to.

I feel a load of weight lifted getting to talk about all of those little questions.

Your perfect provision

On thursday, as I was getting ready to run for groceries with a lovely young woman from my church, I chatted with the Lord. I often feel very awkward with this lady, that I'm not as cool as her, and hence, what words would I have to offer?
I asked for some relief of the discomfort, for something to talk about.

We picked up groceries, and on the ride back to the church, I asked where I might find fancy little boxes I was looking for. From there, we got into conversation about..well, boxes, and then to relationships, and friendship, and poetry, and it was as if we were friends.

I got out of the car at the church, and realized the way we'd been provided conversation, and smiled with thanks.

While I prepared dinner for the group, it became apparant that our church kitchen did not hold any sort of tea strainer, but, with the perfect amount of time left, I hopped the few short blocks down to China town, finding a tea strainer for only 2 dollars, just under what I had to spare in my pocket!

And so I happily finished brewing some India chai, and placing it on the counter. Soon after, the first of the staff trotted in to grab some dinner. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at the meal in front of her, "is this India food?!" She grinned, as I eagerly nodded, and she explained how she'd been obessing over going back to India, and getting to have the kind of food she ate there just made her gleam. It blesses my heart that the food I'd prepared meant something to her.

I listened, as my favorite worship leader practiced the set for the night.
The words "We love You, we love You, we love You" resounding through the building.

Earlier that day, I'd been writing up lists, and looking at my tea supply, wishing both for another package of fine tea, and for a pad on which I could write my lists, being even a bit organized. But these are things I simply couldn't afford to be purchasing.
Well, that was taken care of! A dear friend presented me with a package from a dear girl in the town of Maple Ridge. What had she sent to me, but a package of my favorite tea, and a wonderful Disney notepad, with a magnet on the back and everything.
Perfect.

There are more stories of provision, on this day alone, so intimate that I'm still figuring out how I could explain them.

I have another story to follow, but it will be written about in my next post....