You have given me life.

I woke up this morning feeling absolutely ecstatic.
I can breathe!

My God, He has given me breath today, and it means He is not finished with me! I get another day in this world! I have been blessed, with another day to serve and to love. To have Christ pour into me, and pour out of me.
Another day to fall all the more in love with Him.

Each minute that passes is biting into the finest, most decadent chocolate.

the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

This week I do not feel strong.
I feel broken, damaged, and quite alone in all of it.

A little angry with myself, more than anything, I picked up my prayer journal.
Feeling the weight of abandonment, and the suffering from it, I began to write. I trembled, afraid of what might lie in wait for me tonight, crouching, in the anticipation of devouring my weak soul. I suppose it's better tender.

I continued to write, fearing being alone. Knowing I hadn't the energy to talk with anyone, but knowing every single teardrop that fell would be seen by my Dad. As I built in fear toward the dangers of the night, I noticed that my music had cut out. Not caring enough to fix it, I continued to jot down my prayers. I thought about the awful beast ready to devour me, and how I couldn't go it alone.
I wrote:

Temptation is strong. I can't just sit here

...I was thinking "sit here alone" but didn't want to write it...and as I finished my word, suddenly my music cut back in.

"You're not alone. Come to the cross, let Me show you where your heart belongs."

I wept. Not a more beautiful truth could have been spoken.
Thank you my Friend.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

"What in the dickens are you doing writing at 3:57 in the morning?!" you might exclaim, upon noting the time of this post.

To which I would embarrassed, but learning from my mistake, reply with advice "never decide to try out tetris at midnight."

--Don't judge me now! I've learned my lesson.

I realize, yes, this is a proposterous hour to be up, on a weekday.

This past weekend I joined my church on a retreat. Not knowing anyone, I felt
rather uncomfortable, fairly out of place, and so would end up doing my own
thing a lot of the time.

I made a few friendly acquaintances, but there wasn't anything spectacular, as far as the relational aspect goes. I could complain about it, but I have no reason to. It may not have been perfect, but God brought tremendous healing to my heart.

I called, and emailed a couple of friends in familiar places, and recieved a couple emails back that night, that were such a blessing. A couple of friends simply poured out love, that I needed so very much to hear. Their words were written and spoken by Christ. But there is one writing that particularly stands out, because it seems to have described the course of my weekend.
This is what she wrote:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every
branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he
prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of
the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch
can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit
unless you remain in me."
-John 15

Selah... pause, break, be still.

What good fruit has he produced? (Wait in thankfulness)

What s he wanting to produce? (anticipate the Kingdom)

What does he want you to cut off? (surrender in dependent
obedience)

I pray for humility - humility is dependence on the Lord which brings an
overflowing boldness.

Abide sister, abide

You are free!

The words my dear friend has written have continue to resonate in my heart, even now.

This weekend, we were invited to intimacy, sharing our time and hearts with one another, and sharing in Christ's body, and his blood. At every gathering in which we listened to His message for us we shared in communion. From Thursday to Sunday I had communion five times, and I loved it. When I returned home in the evening, and headed to church, I sat there thinking "boy, I hope we do communion tonight." We did, and I was so eager to go.

On the first night of the retreat, our speaker, brought by God's grace, spoke of intimacy.
In the writing of the Lord's supper, it describes John - "the beloved" rolling over to ask Jesus who it is that will betray Him. He rolls over, and rests his head on the breast of Christ. He is close enough to hear his saviors heartbeat.

I long for that closeness, and I am beginning to understand. I am beginning to view myself, perhaps in the way that John does. He calls himself "the beloved"! He knows that he is so loved!

Jesus invites us to that kind of intimacy.

That night, as I talked to my Father, preparing my heart for communion, asked for more. I want more of You. That's all I want Jesus. I walked forward to tear from the loaf of bread, and as I tore, with the intention of taking a fairly hefty portion, I tried to break it off. But my bread would not tear. It kept ripping, and ripping, circling around the side of the bread! My eyes widened, as I tried to break it off again, and it continued to tear. I was left with a much larger portion than I had even intended to take, but as I walked back toward my seat, I could not help but grin. I asked for more of You, and You heard me. You gave me even more than I asked for!

This was just the beginning of Christ making a change in my heart.
I went through the weekend, continuing to learn. It was time to be still. Christ used the stupidness of my struggle to speak up and make friends, to teach me to come and sit with Him. So I paused, I breaked, I listened and read. And He brought comfort to my soul, and strength to my body.

He gave me strength, in this hope I cling to. He did it all so gently.

And then He taught me that it was time to be free.
He spoke "when are you going to learn to just fall on your knees, and ask for help?"

Perhaps, we, or I, am afraid that He won't be there when I need Him the most. But Jesus says we are to eat his body, and drink his blood. We are to be that close. That intimate. He is a part of me, and I of Him.

It was time to say "You know what Jesus? I don't know what I'm doing."
I can't do it on my own, and I've been ignorantly thinking I was letting you do the work, when I haven't at all. But I'm lost, I'm lost without You.

I have found that the best description of the current state of my heart is found in a song. A song that we sing when we meet as a church, and that has depicted my heart and soul and thoughts and joy and tears, so much better than I can.

Nothing compares to the life I have in You
Nothing of this world
satisfies
So I want to let go, I want to let You know
All that I have to
give is Yours

Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your
hand
To this place Lord I have come
Ready for Your touch

It's all
for You, it's all for You
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
It's all for You,
it's all for You
I'm letting go, I'm letting go

What is it in me that hangs on for so long?
Why do I fight the tears that
come?
I work so hard to keep in control when
All that I want is to let
go

Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To
this place Lord I have come
Ready for Your touch

It's all for You,
it's all for You
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
It's all for You, it's all
for You
I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'll take this life and lay it
down
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
My hopes and dreams
Here at Your
feet, I'm letting go
I'm letting go

It's all for You...
I'm letting
go...

I am ready for Your life
I'm ready for You now.

Selah

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

I`ve heard this story many, many times before. I`ve always thought of it, and had it taught to me, as "we`re going to go through storms and trials, Jesus will rescue us. Call on him, he`ll rescue you."
This is very true, Jesus will rescue you, and me. He hears us, he is a good God.

But let me tell you this story again.
Jesus is out on the water with his discples, when a huge storm hits. And what`s Jesus doing? He`s sleeping, that`s what he`s doing! Do you think his buddies were a little upset, perhaps? I would be. They wake him up, pretty much shouting "Jesus! What`s the deal? You`re not doing your job!! I`m dying over here! Come on, man!"

He get`s up from sleeping, and he says "Quiet! Be still!"

Maybe there`s something more to this.

In the midst of all this craziness, he was resting. Not only that, but to the craziness, he says "Quiet! Be still!"

Maybe we`ve been missing something here.

Adalia: "God hears"

Tonight I walked into my room, to do some cleaning. I was ready to quietly, and carefully do some of the work I needed to get done. Feeling quiet, and quite delicate, I decided to light the many candles I have strewn throughout my room. As I lit them, I thought, "I wonder how Adalia feels about these..."
I don't know why I wondered what my bird thought of having candles lit around her, but as I thought that, I turned to open her cage so she could perch outside on top of it, and strech a little. I hadn't done that in a little while. I turned, and saw the precious creature lying on her side, with closed eyes.
My heart reacted as a small child, as I squeaked "birdy?!" my throat clenched up, as I gasped "oh, Adalia. Oh, no Adalia I'm so sorry."

My little birdie is gone.
And my heart is broken.
I didn't initially react with tears, but a few minutes in, I am crying, and feeling quite heartbroken.

I wasn't expecting to lose my little dove today. Oh, I miss her already.
When I was walking around the mall today, I actually walked into the pet store, feeling oddly compelled to bring home a little fish, or something of the sort.
But I thought, no, I need to make sure I'm taking care of my bird, I don't want to add someone else into the mix.
Perhaps I should've listened to that thought telling me to bring a little critter home. It seems as if it was a way to have comfort..you know, bringing new life in the midst of a death.

My heart hurts a lot.
If you could pray, I'd appreciate it.
It may seem trivial, but, animals have a special place in my heart. I just love them a lot.

Starting November 1st.

Simply put, this is the plight of the poor and homeless in our city. Our city. Host of the 2010 Olympic Games, Vancouver is consistently ranked one of the three most livable cities in the world. We love our city; but our city has a problem.

Homelessness is on the rise in the Metro Vancouver area with the official count of homeless persons almost doubling from 1,121 in 2002 to 2,174 in 2005. That number continues to rise each day.

It's about time Vancouver took responsibility for its homeless problem.

It's about time the church went beyond its own walls and into the streets.

It's about time teenagers looked outside consumer culture and started serving.

It's about time for a city wide campaign.

Thanks for your willingness to support the Dollar A Day Campaign, a city wide capital campaign to raise funds to fight urban poverty. This campaign was birthed September of 2007 by a group of high school students at Coquitlam Alliance Church who shared a conviction to do something significant with their lives and follow the call of Jesus to love the poor.

Donations to Dollar A Day will be processed through the site www.dollaraday.givemeaning.com and funds will be dispersed to our four strategically selected ministries: Union Gospel Mission, Hope For Freedom Society, Potters Place Mission and Night Shift Ministries.

Inbox (-4)

There used to be something there.
Deep and intimate relationship.
Accountabilty.
Trust.
Someone to talk to.
A loving embrace.

Used to.

Oh well...

What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

Though other songs may try to drown it out,

we will shout out loud

We love you

We love you

We love you

We love you

Another Urgent Situation - so I will copy and paste todays email/prayer request.

There is a little girl in peril right now.
Just recently, she's moved from a house was half devoted to growing marjuana. Her mum neglects her, and her daddy beats her. In other places, places that also should've been safe, she's been exploited, doing things to herself that fill me with tears.
This little girl is cutting herself. She cuts deeply, so that she bleeds. Dipping her fingers into the drops of blood, she writes on her dressers

"HELL. I'M LIVING IN HELL."

This girl is ten years old!
No one should EVER feel the way she does, and certainly not a little girl. Her childhood has been stolen. She should be playing with dolls, and running around barefoot, and twirling in dresses, hearing the answer to hear question "am I lovely?" be answered warmly with "Yes. Darling, you are lovely."

This little darling didn't tell me herself, it was a relative of hers. So I can pray, knowing that God will hear me...but physically it's a challenge.

In talking with a friend today, I've found that there is something I can do. So, tonight I called a crisis line, telling them some of what's been happening. The woman on the other end of the phone told me that if I can get a full name, the name of a school, an address...some peice of information, that they can begin to investigate.

I cannot leave this family like this. I won't do it.

Please pray for this little girl, and her sisters aswell.

And please, do not let your hearts grow in anger towards her parents. They are broken.
I know that personally, I've had to learn this, many times. But you have to see, that people aren't just mean. Something has happened to make it this way, and so I challenge you to look on them with broken hearts, asking "what could have possibly happened to you to make you act this way? What has hurt you so badly?"
Pray for her parents too.

Thank you, beloved friends.

I surrender.

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong.

That I've fallen down,

and I can't do this alone.

Stay with me...

this is what I need,

please."

This heart, it beats, beats for only You.

What Do You Enjoy?

This morning I went for coffee, or rather, a talk, since there was no actual liquid involved, with a wonderful friend of mine. He asked the question "of what kind of career are you thinking?" to which I responded "I haven't any idea..." And so he asked what kind of things I like doing.
After staring off for a few seconds, I smiled, "I just like to love people." and continued on "I like to talk with people. And drink tea..."
He laughed, and noted how it must be difficult to be so relational, and be so secluded most of the time. I never really thought about that before, but I suppose it's true, hey?

Anyway, I thought I would just sit down, and write out the things that I enjoy. As a prayer. And also with hope that someone might read this and, full of wisdom, help me to find where it is God would place me.
So what do I enjoy?
♥ As I already stated, I like to love people.
♥ I like to talk about meaningful things, and I like to drink tea (as if it is water, in fact).
♥ I find myself enjoying breathing much moreso than most people probably do.
♥ I like blowing bubbles.
♥ I enjoy writing, anything really, even if I'm filling out camper profiles for someone, or writing a list on a white board. But moreso, I enjoy writing letters, fancied up verses and lyrics and quotes, and encouragement notes.
♥ I like sitting on the floor, or outside to do projects.
♥ Playing things by ear, and trusting they will work out, like when I hop on the ferry, and give somone a shout from the terminal letting them know that I popped by Vancouver.
♥ I like grandmotherly sweaters, and pretty dresses - twirling about in pretty dresses has a special place in my heart.
♥ I love capturing genuine moments in a photograph.
♥ Cooking will always provide enjoyment, especially when I get to do it for others, that's really when I love it.
♥ Organizing little get togethers, especially for the body of Christ...and prepping for it too (setting a "mood" or whatever)
♥ Hearing peoples hearts, and hearing how people have fallen in love with Christ.
♥ I love meeting with people to pray, and I love sitting with someone and simply reading the scriptures out loud.
♥ I love playing in lengthy grass, climbing trees, skipping in the tides, and being a child again.
♥ Seeing people grow in the Lord, seeing them learn to love.
♥ Desperation.
♥ Doing everything barefoot.
♥ And I LOVE Christ.

A Beautiful Letdown

In asking a beautiful friend of mine what coming back to school has been like, I recieved some of the most beautiful words I have read. It blesses my heart to see her faith being strengthened, and to see how much she has fallen in love with Christ over the summer.
Please read thoughtfully, her incredible, vibrant words. So full of life, so full of hope, so full of courage and strength, and all of these things in the Lord.
May you find encouragement.


"today was so weird. it was the first day of school, and i'm not gonna lie i was rather nervous. but right when i got in the school all i could concentrate on what a letdown it was. a letdown in a good way. a beautiful letdown. where this world just isnt worth it. where i wasnt jealous of the popular kids or where i cared what people thought. i am so happy where i am now where i really dont care (not totally at all) but i'm getting there. its awesome. i have never had this kind of peace before. I'm loving this.I'm kinda excited to see what a mess this school is, and knowing the god i know..nothings impossible for him. and i should be his hands and feet. "

Loneliness is something that came with the fall

Yesterday morning I was chatting with a dear friend about the difficulties coming back from my summer at camp.

This year, though camp didn't feel as much like a home, I allowed people to become my family. I actually invited people into my heart, and was invited into theirs. I can genuinly say that when someone speaks badly of someone at camp, I am quite agitated, because that's my family they're talking about!

I think that one beautiful thing that happened this summer is my learning what it is like to really live in community. I don't just mean living around people all the time, I mean genuine community. Coming to one another for prayer, encouragement, to just cry.....
For me to be sitting and sobbing, and have someone actually care and offer to listen, and for me to do the same.

To consistently have a brother or sister, or aunt, or parent (not blood-related, but closer to me than any "family" I have ever known) that I can talk with, that I can simply recieve a hug from.
To know that any person I pass I could ask for prayer.

It's not like that out here.

It's so noticeable in this fallen world I have been brought back to. It leaves me longing for more. And because of my summer, I am filled with hope for community like that. It IS possible.
It blows me away to know that God's Kingdom is even better.

As I talked with this friend of mine, I was struck with this loneliness I have felt over the past week. I wondered if I would really be hearing from people. As I finished my sentences, we left his house, it was time for me to hit the bus, and for him to head to work. So I wandered into the mall to make change for the bus. As I was walking around the corner, I ran into Samone, who worked at camp this summer, and was my lovely roommate when I did CIT! It made me giggle with delight to see family.
Later on, as I shopped with a friend, I ran into a youth camper, who I also counseled at a retreat, and then as we walked to the bus stop I ran into a staff member from last year! I laughed as I told my friend that I had probably seen more people from camp in Victoria today than I normally do collectively through the year!

I do not take for granted this funny little day.
Because in seeing these people all around, Christ was reminding me how wonderfully faithful He is. Whether this family of mine is around physically or not, I know they love me, and will be there to support me. God, I know You will never forsake me.

The things I miss the most

I was taken aback today, when I was walking around town with my brother, and realized that I didn't know every person who walked past.
Walking past the market I saw a woman getting out of her car, and spoke my thought "Could you just get back in your car and come back out as Jim Badke?" To which Daniel agreed, adding "or Brett Nelson?"
We both chuckled, and sighed, missing our dear friends.

I was standing at the door of the dishpit, when a friend rushed passed, breathing "Lauren. Need prayer. Pray for head counselors."

I will miss that. I will miss that we are a people who can rush past with seconds to spare and just let one another know that prayer is needed, and know that prayers will be lifted.
Don't misunderstand me, I know this can still happen, but the capacity is not the same.
I am not actually living surrounded in people who will do such things.

In thinking of little stories such as this, a man passed by me at the bus stop. I am left wondering what would happen if I treated him in a similar way. I was feeling down at the time...what would happen if I walked up to him and said "hey, can you pray for me?"

It might be a little weird...but it might start something incredible...
I wonder.

I want healing...?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.



Okay.


"Don't hold back anymore."

Those are the words my dear little brother in Christ spoke to me last night. God has been saying similar words to me these past few days, over and over and over again. It is clear that He wants me to speak up, but I honestly just don't know what to say. I feel, well, nothing. Only, I feel overwhelmingly sad. I suppose this is a good place to start.

My heart is knots. My body is physically unhealthy. I feel as if I may throw up, and when I swallow I feel as if my throat might never open again. I can't find a comfortable temperature, I'm either shaking with cold, or far too warm. Perhaps my physical health represents the current state of my heart.

I am overcome, once again, by this kelp of anxiety. It wraps effortlessly around my ankles and arms and waist. These weeds work their way up to my neck, as I kick desperatley, trying to reach the surface. But as I fight, it seems that I only become more entangled, and am pulled further and further under the water.

It seems that I nearly drown this way quite regularly. Maybe I ought to make sure there are lifeguards near by.

You see, part of my problem is that sometimes, to be frank, I am a complete idiot. I hurt ikwith these anxieties, but I refuse to let anyone in, and therefore, refuse to release that pain. A simple, yet contradictory thought in my head, is that I don't want people to 'care' about me just because I am hurting, if they make no effort to care when I am good. And yet, I am so hurt when people ignore that I am hurting, and just don't care all together. What am I to do? I genuinly do not how to eliminate 17 years, and 9 months worth of bottling up pain. How might one even begin to takle that?

What stinks is that it will resurface out of nowhere, causing little anxiety attacks, and in turn, causing me to simply shut down, and shut everyone out. A great choice, I know. But when that hurt resurfaces, I just want to ignore it. I pretend it isn't there, in hopes that it will go away. I do the same thing over and over, expecting things to get better. Did you know that the definition of {foolishness} is to do something repeatedly, expecting different results? I certainly am a fool.

How does a fool, such as myself, become a little more wise?

In need of repair.

An excerpt of my thoughts and emotions written on July 20th.


Last night at church, Chris, who was speaking this week offered to us his thoughts on the story of the prodigal son. Have you ever heard the story?
It's found in Luke, chapter 15.
What basically happens, is that a father gives his son money, to which his son goes off and squanders it on meaningless and terrible things. He ends up working in like a farm...with pigs and stuff...
anyway, he discovers that he's not too keen on hanging out with farm animals and their feces, and decides to go back home. He comes to his dad, apologizing, as he just runs to him. He doesn't begrudginly come to answer the door, no, he runs to him. I don't know about you, but when I give someone something, and then they completely ditch out on me...my first reaction is not often to run up to them with cheer. It should be, but it's not.
But this man's father runs to him, telling his servants to slaughter their best cow; they are having a celebration!
I started crying as I thought of this imagery.
Straight up, I put my head in my hands, and started sniffling. I didn't want to cry...number one: and this is terrible, but I really didn't want my mascara to smudge all over my face, number two: I hate being vulnerable, number three: I wanted to have a chipper last evening in Victoria before I left for the summer. But that's not always how it works, hey?
As I sat sniffling and trying to hide my tears, a dear friend began to talk to me. He started talking about that story, and suddenly looked right into my eyes and said "what you want more than anything is for your father to come running to you, isn't it?"
I really started crying then. And then I shut myself off.
I really didn't want to cry, and I just stopped those emotions from pouring in. Which, in retrospect, is very stupid. I don't want to do that...it makes you numb.
It's true, what my friend said. I do want my dad to come running to me. I do.
I don't know what it's like to have a dad who cares. I don't know what it's like to have a dad who loves.
I can't imagine my dad ever running to me like that. And just the same, I can't imagine myself running to him. I'm terrified of him.
I need to do something, and I know it. I keep pretending that it's all good, when it's not.
Oh, how I frusterate myself.

A cool story, courtesy of Jesus.

A few days ago a friend and I were lying on a feild, writing on ourselves with henna. If you've never used henna before, it's this wonderful stuff used in East Indian culture, which stains your skin for a number of days, sort of like a temporary tattoo. You can make just beautiful designs.
I looked through my Bible for a while, and eventually wrote Zephaniah 3:17 across the top of my foot, thinking it was pretty sweet.
Well, tonight at church as our pastor stood there speaking of how we ought to treat our enemies and oppressors, loving and praying for them, instead of wishing the worst. He turned and began to say, "now, this isn't how I usually get my sermon notes, but there is a girl who's been sitting in front of me tonight. She's sitting right over there in the front row taking notes, and not wearing shoes, and she has scripture written on her foot. I thought 'hmm, probably a funky verse' and flipped through my Bible, to read 'The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save...'"
Cool how that tied right in to what I had to say tonight, eh?"

Man, that blows me away. I am blown away by the way God used the specific verse I wrote on my foot, which I thought not much of at the time, to be taught to a congregation. I am blown away that God used me to do that, and that He blesses me so, and shows me that He is alive and active, even in my own spoiled heart.

He makes me giggle with delight. What a little trickster, using everything for His glory. Oh I love Him so.

when someones life is in danger, it seems like a good time to sit down and shut up and start living like a God is telling you to.

When someones life is in danger, it seems like a good time to sit down and shut up and start living like a God is telling you to. Am I wrong in saying this? I would probably disagree with you if you said yes.

Why, when I am asking someone to pray, and trying to express just how worried I am, do they change the subject? They change the subject and act like everything is fine. People like to pretend that things aren't as serious as they really are. "Ignorance is bliss, and all that..."
Until your friend takes his life.

If anyone really thinks ignorance is bliss, they need to smarten up.

I've never been so frusterated with the world, or with Christians.

It's a good thing it was me talking to them, and not the friend who I am worried about. How on earth would him telling them that he doesn't want to live anymore, and them reacting trying to make him "happy" help? When someone is crying, and you try to make jokes to make them feel better, it's making things worse.
Praise God that it was me talking to them, I already know that God is good.

I'm sure you can tell that I'm rather unpleasant right now.

And in talking to one of my dear friends, I apologized for my unpleasantness. Pay special attention to how she responded: "no need to appoligize. i love you even when you're unpleasant."

Did you catch that? A friend loves at ALL times.

As aggrivating as i find it, we are way less than perfect. Which is why we frickin NEED God.
And need to be WAY more grateful for Jesus.

After talking with a very dear friend of mine on Saturday morning, I realized yet another aspect of how incredible Jesus is. Without him, we'd have to bring sacrifices like sheep all the time, and could never ever have that relationship with him that we have now. We'd never have the relationship we get to have with Him.

The things we take for granted.

Why are we so dumb? Why do we think that pumping ourselves with heroin will make things better? Why do we think having sex will make us less lonely? Why do we think that drowning it our with wine will make life easier? Why do we think that acting like everythings fine, and lying to the world will make everyones life better? Why do we think we have the right to judge peoples sins, when we screw up just as much?

Why? Why? Why? WHY!

Because we're a broken race and we're stupid, and we don't listen. That's why. Because we don't friggin listen to God.
I've head numberous people lately, saying that the rules aren't actually that important...yes they freaking are! God set those out, because He knows WAY better than we do, and He's trying to show us how to love Him, and each other, and ourselves. And also, it shows us how FAR from perfect we are.

Without actually listening, what's the point? It's another case of professing love for someone, but not showing it at all.

We can see this earth groaning for a Savior, and we can see terrible things happening every momentbut we don't do anything. We see genocide, and rape, and child pornography, and cutting, and suicide, and broken families, and divorce, and destruction, and hurt...and we still don't change. We still don't realize that we need to listen to our Lord.

Jesus, take my life. Take everything. I give it ALL over to You.

Just tell me what to do.

This is an EMEGENCY

I am SO sick of people hurting.


I'm so sick of it.





I am tired of watching people push Jesus out of their lives. I am tired of seeing people who want to be close to God push Him away, because they just don't know how to do what they need to. And of people needing support, and Jesus' body not being there.


We are meant to be his hands, to be his feet, and we don't. I'm tired of the body of Christ not being just that.

Father I place my life in Your hands. May I be Your hands and Your feet. Use this crappy situation to spur me on toward loving You.
Help me to give up myself. I don't really care about myself, I just want my friends to not hurt anymore! I don't want people to keep hurting! Help me to love so that they might see a glimpse of how good You are.

My favorite peice of poetry. I hope and pray that I, and you, will never take part in these things.

How to kill a living thing

Neglect it
Criticize it to its face
Say how it kills the light
Traps all the rubbish
Bores you with its green

Continually
Harden your heart
Then
Cut it down close
To the root as possible

Forget it
For a week or a month
Return with an axe
Split it with one blow
Insert a stone

To keep the wound wide open

-Eibhlin Nic Eochaidh

Stop what you're doing...

...and give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.

I love the honesty. It makes me smile.

Yesterday with my Bible study kids, we all wrote encouragement notes for each person that comes to the study. Here are a few highlights:

"I like how you're good at sports."

"I like how you're good at sports."

"I like how you're good at sports."

"I like how you're good at sports."

"I like how you're good at sports."

"I like how you're good at gymnastics."

"I like how you're good at sports."

"Your tattoos are different."

"You're funny and weird. In a good way."

"You're short. I like it."

"I like how you're hair color changes every week we get together." (Can you guess who that one was about??)

God of wrath.

In the fourth chapter of John, a tired Jesus sits down to rest at a well, asking a Samaritan woman if she will give him water to drink. When she asks how he, a Jew, could ask her for a drink, he responds to her: if you knew the gift of God...if you knew who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked for living water, and recieved it.

If you knew who it is that you are speaking to.

Do you know this Man? Do you really know who He is?
I feel the following song gives a glimpse of our mighty Lord. I pray you will think over these words for the days to come, and that God will make himself real and obvious to you.

God of wrath
God of love
God of Earth
And God above
God of hope
God of peace
God of you
And God of me

God of day
God of night
God the just
And God the light
God of the strong
God of the weak
God of you
And God of me

My love for You
My heart for You
My life for You
All I am for You

Blood through my veins for You
I give my world to You
All I am and all I haveI lay it down for You
Dancing 'round with You
Spinning 'round with You
Laughing loud with You
My love

You are so much more than I can even imagine.

I underestimate You, Your power, Your love, Your mercy and grace, Your goodness---You're power, You're love, You're mercy and grace, You're goodness, and I am sorry.

Some things to pray about...

Please pray for the friend I earlier mentioned, the one who has become "re-introduced" to God.
A couple my own requests for him:
...pray that his heart would be softened daily.
...that he would seize the opportunity to continue going to Adore, and possibly join me at church on Sunday, so that he could become well rooted, and receive the gospel with joy.
...that he would not rely just on the feeling of his last time at church.
...that he wouldn't think he deserves to live like this.
...for him to find, accept, and live for Christ.
...that he could grow into the man of God that I know he could be. A man who really loves people, with compassion, and empathy, grace, and mercy.
...for him to become willing to share about his heart. I see so much of myself in him, and it scares me. I know bottling things up is bad news. Also, I want to hear about his life. I'm sure I can't even imagine the ways God will continue to be glorified, as I learn more about this boy.
...that people around him can show the REAL Jesus.

One of my other friends, I am terrified for. And he's scared too.
He's been struggling with self-injury, and suicidal thoughts, and more new thoughts have him terrified for the future.
Please pray for things such as:
...a knowledge deep in his heart that he is worth love.
...good health.
...an unshakeable faith in our God. That He is good, and faithful, and will not leave him.
...an ability to let go of bitterness and resentment.
...his awesome gift of being such a good friend to continue to grow.
...a quietness over his heart.


Pray with authority, and expectation.

Falling in love

You know that feeling when you really like a boy?

You get butterflies in your stomach when you hear from him. You look for things you can do to bring joy to his heart. How you are frequently thinking of him, and it distracts you from what you're doing.

You know what I'm talking about.



I want to fall in LOVE with God. I want that feeling, when I'm consiously spending time with Him, of just being smitten. But at the same time, being able to say when I'm not happy with Him. I want to go out of my way to do things for Him. I want to have Him on my mind, distracting me from this world, and being fixed on His.



I'm falling in love, Lord, and this time it's with You.

ARTURO ELBITTAR IS COMING TO CAMP THIS SUMMER!!!!

I am so excited, I actually started to cry when I found out. Yes, I'm such a girl. I don't care. I AM a girl, so I will embrace my girlyness, and that I cry when I find out something that makes me really happy (and secretly, during Homeward Bound - basically the entire movie...when Sassy falls down the waterfall...when the three animals are reunited...when Chance gets scared at the pound and then they rescue a lost little girl...when Shadow falls at the train tracks...when they finally make it home. Yes, I am seventeen. Don't pretend you don't get teary when that dog is lying in the mud, you do. And if you say you don't, you're full of it. Just kidding! ...I'm a wuss.)
Back to what I was excited about:

Arturo is actually coming to camp, my little, wonderful brother is coming to Canada!! Oh, I miss him so.

LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN!!!

I long for this kind of faith.

Have you ever really thought about how dependant nature is on God?
Like really faithful. They depend solely on things only God can provide.
Not on anything else.
I want this. I want to be like the lilies and the sparrows.

I came across these words in reading yesterday, and they better articulate how I want to live, and trust God. They are my prayer. So here they are:
"If we had enough faith to depend on God like the lilies and the sparrows do, we would see miracles. For is it not a miracle that the birds find enough worms each day?"

How do I forget?

Tonight I went to Adore with a gaggle of friends.
One boy came who, to the best of my knowledge, was quite against Christianity. (If he wasn't, my apologies. But he certainly was not loving on Jesus.) Well, he decided to accept the invitation, for reasons beyond what I can grasp. I was pretty darn excited. Hopping about, like I do when I'm excited.

When the worship started, I grabbed a friend of mine, and just asked her to pray with me for that boy. So we sat there, and asked God to make Himself clear, to fill the room with an overwhelming love. To make the evening speak right to him, and not weird him out...and so on. Then it was time for the "mingle and grab a free coffee" portion of the evening, in which this unbelieving boy turned to one of my friends and said "I think I should come to church more often."

Amazing right?! I'm not even close to done.

So, we continued to sing, and listen to the message, and then Andy (the youth pastor) told us that the night was going to run a little differently. He was setting aside time for us to meet with God. To pray, and to pray for one another. He gave us the option to leave, or if we wanted, we could stay.

I looked back, with amazement, as this boy stayed seated.

And I sat, and prayed, for him, and for another friend of mine (but that's a whole nother story.) I turned around to see him talking with my friend Daniel, and I could tell it was good. Really good. It sounds weird, but I could feel God's goodness radiating from them; I could feel his warmth and it made me smile, filled with joy.

I didn't get out of the church until 10:45, wowie! Late night!
Anyway, I came home, and asked this wonderful boy what he had thought of the whole night. Do you know what he said? He said it was amazing. Unlike anything he'd ever felt. I offered to listen, and to tell him about why my face had been streaked with tears, and he grabbed that offer! He told me it was the first time he'd come to church in a long time, and that he had a lot to be ashamed of. But he said that he'd been overwhelmed. And that (get this) he had re-introduced himself to God!!

HOW SPECTACULAR!!!!
I don't even have words to express God's endless goodness in this story.



It leaves me to wonder, how do I forget these things?

I hate to say it, but honestly, these past two weeks have been rough. I've been struggling to bring things to God, and give over my life to Him as I rightly should. I've been wanting to wallow in misery, and cling to what is bad. (An idea that I definitely don't recommend.)

Why do I forget how amazing God is?

I sincerely hope that I didn't share too much about this boy. -And if I did please tell me, I am truly sorry. But also, I hope in reading this next writing, that you will realize God used you to spur me on. To give me encouragement and hope. And I thank God for that. And thank you for letting Him use you in this way.- The last thing I want to do is gossip, or do something that does not please God, or hurts you.

I have to give thanks to God for providing all that happened tonight. It was exactly what I needed. To see and taste that the Lord is good. That He answers my prayers, and that He loves people more than I could ever know.

It is exactly what I needed to remind me that God is who I need to put my value, my worth, my hope, my strength, my all in.



Jesus, you are more than enough for me.

Let's fight.

"Let's roll, let's fight. Let's show the world what's right. Let's roll, let's fight. His spirit is our Light."

Let's do it! Why the heck aren't we?

BUT WAIT! First let's dissect that thought:

"Fight," I think there is a negative connotation to that word. I usually think of fighting as something physical that boys stupidly do when they get in an arguement. Or as people going off to war, taking lives that they have no right to take. Thinking of fighting to show the world what's right, in that way, sounds like quite an oxymoron. Fight to show what's right? Oh yes.

One definition of the word fight is: "any contest or struggle: a fight for recovery from an illness." I like this definition. It reminds me of what Jesus said about not the healthy needing a doctor, but the sick. We are spiritually plagued by all kinds of disease. We risk infection daily. But we have a great Physician, who knows exactly how to treat our sickness.

Fighting a disease sounds about right. Not fighting the person who has it, but the infection within. Not fighting the people of this world, but the sins within them. Fighting Satan's attacks, not the people he brings nearer to him. Yes, I would go far as to say that I believe it is wrong to hate people like those who bomb other countries, those who flew the planes in 9-11, those who kill and rape and dissect and exploit.
Why hate them? They're broken. They're clearly hurting.
How is hating them going to make them any better? How is it going to show Jesus?

Ohhhh Jesus : )

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

--Yep, its from "And today's verse is..."
on my own stinkin' blog! Jesus just taught me something, in a place I wasn't expecting. Ohhh Jesus, you make me smile.

If you are going to be praying for me, could these verses be your current prayer?

Oops, I almost forgot!

Don't forget to be lifting that friend of mine, and his whole family situation. I want it to be covered in prayer.
And pray for my new McDonalds friend too.
Thanks :)

Can ya dig?

A dear, dear friend of mine was forced to become a couch-surfer a few nights ago. His mum and he don't have a happy relationship much of the time, and after a large fight over dinner, he was spending the night at a friends house.
Living on a couch, with no clean clothes, no school books, and no family.
It thankfully lasted just one night. But that is a lot of time.
This boy has just about every "right" to be angry with his momma, well...by the worlds standards anyway. -We never truly have a right to act in an unloving way.- Despite his pain in that evening of eviction, he continued to act in a loving way toward his mum the next day. In a moment of beautiful grace, he let the fact that she was hurting him be forgotten, and offered to her grace and peace.
I praise God for examples like this.

Jesus continually teaches me more and more ways to love people.
I have felt a sense of urgency for the people around me. I think it really came about when I started being confronted with these many young men and women contemplating suicide. My thought has been "what I am doing is not enough." And it isn't. I need to love in bigger, better, more Christ-like ways. I need to love in a way that they might see God's love. So what can I do for You, my Lord?

I've been praying for opportunities to love. To love people I wouldn't always see. And today, that prayer was clearly answered. And I expect even more.

This evening my darling brother Daniel and I were feeling munchy, and decided to stop in at McDonalds. Ew. Why did we do that, you might ask? Neither of us could give you an answer. We both despise the place. And can barely eat anything they serve. I seem to recall the words "well, I just gave 4 dollars to the devil" being uttered as we turned away from the counter.
Oh McDonalds. Well, praise Jesus, he knew what he was doing when he led us there.
As we sat in the corner chatting, and munching away at that food we already knew was going to feel terrible in our stomachs, a little man walked up and began to speak with us.
Let me paint you a picture of this man. He was quite old, and nearly all his top teeth were missing. His cheeks hollow, and his body withering away, and he seemed as if there might be a large infection in his mouth. As he spoke, I could quickly recognize alcohol on his breath, which wasn't hard to detect, as he spoke quite far inside the typical "personal bubble" area.
He was a rather touchy man, and liked to tap my shoulder. I didn't mind.
He sat and told us how apparantley the government is controlling the weather with chemicals. Much of what he said didn't really connect with the next sentence, and he seeked affirmation, constantly asking "can you hear me?" or "ya dig?"
I prayed throughout the conversation, asking our God if He wanted me to speak to give me words, and Daniel was asking the same, but to the both of us His reply was "not now, you need to just sit and listen."
This little old man told us many stories. He told us frequently about his attraction to men, which at time was slightly inappropriate. But also heartbreaking. He spoke of how he is alone, lives alone, and no one wants to help him because he lives this way. Our world should not be like that.
He looked at the rings on Daniels hands, and the cross he bears on his neck, and asked if Daniel was a Christian. With excitment, he told us that he is a Christian too, and continued to give us quite the history lesson on Martin Luther, and oppressed women, and how women apparantley have masculine souls...
Anyhow, we ended up chatting with this man for about an hour and a half, and I quite enjoyed it.
Looking at it now, I wasn't at all embarrassed to be sitting with this man. I wasn't embarrased that he didn't look like everyone else, or that some of the things he said were a little wack, or that other people maybe thought he was weird. Whatever. What does that matter?
When we love others, we love God. That's a spear to the heart for me sometimes. When I'm not loving toward a guy on the street, to my dad, to a rude person I meet...in those moments I'm not loving toward God.
Dang. I certainly don't want to do that.

Jesus bless me with a love that is big, and loud.
I want to love people. I want to love You. Grant these people more time, they need it, desperatley.

Snowgiant...as in...snowgiant. Duh.

I freakin know this guy. Hahaha.
This is ridiculous. I so enjoy it.

Can You hear us? Can You feel?

Six times. Six.

That is the number of times in a two week span that people have come to me about a friend of theirs who has been making comments about making, or actual attempts at suicide.

What is so wrong with our world?

What are we doing that a 16 year old girl would no longer want to continue her life!? She hasn't even made it to adulthood, and she has already decided to quit!!

God brought people I didn't even know to tell me about these hurting young men and women, and why? I'm waiting to find out. But I refuse to let this continue to happen! This is not what God wants for his children!

So I ask Lord, that You would fill us up with a love that is BIG, and a love that is loud! That we might be people who love as you love. People who put away our selfish pride. Who forget what others might think of us, and just love each other! That we might show Your face. That the many people asking "who can show us any good?" are amazed when they see the light of Your face shining on us! Teach us to love, Jesus. Teach us to lay down our lives, for you.

Father, allow us to feel our worth. A worth that is layed in, and affirmed by You.

And now I challenge you. Listen to the Lord. He is the LORD.We forget that too often. Our God has all authority, so let's call upon him!It's scary to listen sometimes. It really is, but there is no love in fear, for fear has to do with punishment. Our Father will not punish us for obeying him.

Why should I be scared? What can man do to me?

When I walk past a woman sitting and crying, how does anyone gain? I am overtaken by fear that she might reject me, and she is overtaken by the pain that she was ignored as yet another person walked by, seeing her pain, and doing nothing. So I will stop, and be there, and offer pray to our Father who can move mountains. Why should I be scared of a little rejection? I should be scared for her soul! Scared for her well-being. Scared that she might reject the gospel. But if I show Jesus' love to her, why should I fear?

I had my interview with Amanda today...

I'M ACCEPTED!!!!
THAT'S RIGHT...I'M OFFICIALLY PART OF KALEO FREAKIN SIX!!!!
WOOO HOOOOOOO!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

For the weak?

We are weak.

He is strong.

We are capable because He is capable.

What do you think of what this guy says?

Distractions have been on my mind lately.

And when I say distractions, I mean I've been thinking about the whole distraction issue, although...I am also easily distracted.

One easy example would be when I go away to visit friends for a couple days, or just sleep over at some one's house. It so easy to stay up late talking and forget to do my nightly devotion. This is so silly, and it frusterates me. My relationship with Jesus does not cease to exist when I am with other people.



Do you find it easy to be distracted?



The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

Psalm 19:7-11

SWEEP THE LEG JOHNNY!

I wish I had as much spirit as John Reuben

A bushel of babies

I miss my middle school girls! (and the boys, I miss them too)
I haven't seen my darlings all week!
I had to miss Bible study on Tuesday, because I had an orientation for my school courses, which is good, because I needed to get started! I'm two months behind right now! But it stinks that I had to miss Bible study! (Gosh, I could use prayer to finish up my schooling quickly!)

Which brings me to my second set of babies (as I like to call them) whom I miss. With the awesome title of Food Services Assistant Crew Chief, comes the priveledge of hanging out with CIT's, not only in the summer, but during training weekends aswell! I must say, they're genuine excitement just to meet one another inspires me. From upstairs I could hear the girls all squealing in the hallway below, and hugging, and loving one another. It was the first time they'd met, for crying out loud!
I have to wonder, why don't we feel that same way whenever we meet someone new? I know that these kids have one beautiful thing in common, being that they all have a love for the Lord (which is an AWESOME thing to have in common!) but what about people who don't know Him?
Why are we not excited upon meeting them that we get a chance to love this person? We get a chance to meet another person our God has created! (we all have that in common too, hey! We've all been made by our God, and not only that, He's got an awesome plan for us!)




I want to be more excited when I meet new people. Filled with an excitement that I get to share my life with them. Filled with an excitement that I will learn about Him through those friendships, and that they will aswell.

Who would have thought?

I often hear a number of my friends from CIT complain about "cleaning worship."
You see, a few years back, when we were Counselors-in-Training, we would get down on our hands and knees to crawl around the room, picking up dirt and fuzz and leaves, as a way of worshipping God. Many a CIT will dismiss it, as a cheap way to get the room clean, but it wasn't.
God taught me a big lesson through this kind of worship.

At the end of CIT, everyone went home. Except me. I was staying to work in the dishpit.
I was left to clean out the room we had lived in for the past 3 weeks. I walked into the lodge, looked at the room, and thought I would clean it the way we cleaned our session room during the program. I threw on Laurell Hubicks cd "Into Your Love," and began to crawl around the room, picking up twigs and fuzz balls, and by the time the song "Mercy" began to play, I was bawling. I was just crying so hard. I missed my friends, and I was hurting inside. I'm a master at bottling up my feelings, and so I was feeling those feelings begin to build up.
I continued to clean the room, but I gave up on lifting up matresses, and crawling under beds. Instead, I just wanted to clean what could be seen at first glance.
All of a sudden, I remembered the reason I was cleaning this way. The reason I wasn't doing a five minute vaccuum. I was cleaning this way to worship God. Every speck needed to go. I needed to squeeze under beds, and reach way back in the crevices, and get even the tiniest peices of filth I could find.
I realized I needed to do that in my life. I so often want my hurt to just be gone. I don't want to deal with the things that are hurting me, I just want them to disappear. I prefer to just make everything look fine and dandy from a glance, and not let anybody see what is in my heart. Really, I reach for the quick-fix...I want it gone, and I want it gone now.
But that is not how God works. Instead, He works on His own perfect timing, removing from me my ungodly doings. He waits, and allows me to learn from my pain that only He can satisfy.

It is when I instead pray to draw closer to God, without focusing on the hurt in my life, that I am filled with joy.