I want healing...?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.



Okay.


"Don't hold back anymore."

Those are the words my dear little brother in Christ spoke to me last night. God has been saying similar words to me these past few days, over and over and over again. It is clear that He wants me to speak up, but I honestly just don't know what to say. I feel, well, nothing. Only, I feel overwhelmingly sad. I suppose this is a good place to start.

My heart is knots. My body is physically unhealthy. I feel as if I may throw up, and when I swallow I feel as if my throat might never open again. I can't find a comfortable temperature, I'm either shaking with cold, or far too warm. Perhaps my physical health represents the current state of my heart.

I am overcome, once again, by this kelp of anxiety. It wraps effortlessly around my ankles and arms and waist. These weeds work their way up to my neck, as I kick desperatley, trying to reach the surface. But as I fight, it seems that I only become more entangled, and am pulled further and further under the water.

It seems that I nearly drown this way quite regularly. Maybe I ought to make sure there are lifeguards near by.

You see, part of my problem is that sometimes, to be frank, I am a complete idiot. I hurt ikwith these anxieties, but I refuse to let anyone in, and therefore, refuse to release that pain. A simple, yet contradictory thought in my head, is that I don't want people to 'care' about me just because I am hurting, if they make no effort to care when I am good. And yet, I am so hurt when people ignore that I am hurting, and just don't care all together. What am I to do? I genuinly do not how to eliminate 17 years, and 9 months worth of bottling up pain. How might one even begin to takle that?

What stinks is that it will resurface out of nowhere, causing little anxiety attacks, and in turn, causing me to simply shut down, and shut everyone out. A great choice, I know. But when that hurt resurfaces, I just want to ignore it. I pretend it isn't there, in hopes that it will go away. I do the same thing over and over, expecting things to get better. Did you know that the definition of {foolishness} is to do something repeatedly, expecting different results? I certainly am a fool.

How does a fool, such as myself, become a little more wise?